Rations

I had a kernel of this thought published before and removed it because I felt like it was whining.  I wouldn’t feel like it was whining if I knew my audience was diverse and wide, but I understand for the most part people who read me or probably people like me, someone who needs to read stories similar to their own story.  The very people who I should not be asking anything from.

I don’t want to rag on my family, but my family (mother, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews) has always struggled.  They aren’t the best support system in the world because they are trying to keep their own heads above water, not to mention they are thousands of miles away from me.  I was the one who was on the road to a success story.  The one that didn’t have to ask a family member to use their credit card to get an emergency plane ticket or to rent a car in a desperate situation.  Therefore, I know there is nothing there for me to ask for, because asking (which I’ve) will just compound my misery when I am faced with the answer.

I’m scared sick.  I’m scared that  we (me, my teenager, and my little grandchildren) will end up in a homeless shelter.  I am trying to keep emotions separate when dealing with my divorce because I know he doesn’t care what happens to us.  He just wants to be free to spend and spend and drink, drink, and smoke, smoke, gamble, gamble, and be flattered by any woman willing to flatter.  But, I have four children, no job, and no support system.  Who cares what happens to some cheater.  It’s the cheated on that needs the encouragement to survive.  In addition, I don’t get much encouragement.  I get what I have always got, “You will pull through.”

I need more.  I need to be reassured that he hacking up a settlement agreement is just that (part of the process).  That we will continue on to trial and the judge will see sense.  They say be reasonable.  I am being reasonable.  He has been the one who continues to break the law, and then expects me to retroactively include some statement in the divorce agreement to help him get out of the jam he made –like stealing my identity for a credit card and taxes and then expecting me to agree that he didn’t do it or was given permission to do it.  The gall is simply astounding.  Actually, I know it’s not gall, it’s just him wanting and abusing as he has done for twenty years.

But I am scared.  I set up a GoFundMe, but no one can help.  Really, they can’t.  Everyone has his or her own problems.  And when people with money want to donate to something, it is usually something that makes them feel better, like some politically obscure position or something.  I understand that, I really do.  Understanding doesn’t help me from being scared and in need though.

Why do people withhold?  They even withhold what is free, such as emotional support, encouragement, etc.  They hold on to their sympathy and support like a rations book.  It is probably because most people are made to feel powerless in most day-to-day situations, so when they have an opportunity to exercise power, they hold on by withholding. I don’t know.

I need to not let any of this bother me, but I am just scared to death.