Rations

I had a kernel of this thought published before and removed it because I felt like it was whining.  I wouldn’t feel like it was whining if I knew my audience was diverse and wide, but I understand for the most part people who read me or probably people like me, someone who needs to read stories similar to their own story.  The very people who I should not be asking anything from.

I don’t want to rag on my family, but my family (mother, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews) has always struggled.  They aren’t the best support system in the world because they are trying to keep their own heads above water, not to mention they are thousands of miles away from me.  I was the one who was on the road to a success story.  The one that didn’t have to ask a family member to use their credit card to get an emergency plane ticket or to rent a car in a desperate situation.  Therefore, I know there is nothing there for me to ask for, because asking (which I’ve) will just compound my misery when I am faced with the answer.

I’m scared sick.  I’m scared that  we (me, my teenager, and my little grandchildren) will end up in a homeless shelter.  I am trying to keep emotions separate when dealing with my divorce because I know he doesn’t care what happens to us.  He just wants to be free to spend and spend and drink, drink, and smoke, smoke, gamble, gamble, and be flattered by any woman willing to flatter.  But, I have four children, no job, and no support system.  Who cares what happens to some cheater.  It’s the cheated on that needs the encouragement to survive.  In addition, I don’t get much encouragement.  I get what I have always got, “You will pull through.”

I need more.  I need to be reassured that he hacking up a settlement agreement is just that (part of the process).  That we will continue on to trial and the judge will see sense.  They say be reasonable.  I am being reasonable.  He has been the one who continues to break the law, and then expects me to retroactively include some statement in the divorce agreement to help him get out of the jam he made –like stealing my identity for a credit card and taxes and then expecting me to agree that he didn’t do it or was given permission to do it.  The gall is simply astounding.  Actually, I know it’s not gall, it’s just him wanting and abusing as he has done for twenty years.

But I am scared.  I set up a GoFundMe, but no one can help.  Really, they can’t.  Everyone has his or her own problems.  And when people with money want to donate to something, it is usually something that makes them feel better, like some politically obscure position or something.  I understand that, I really do.  Understanding doesn’t help me from being scared and in need though.

Why do people withhold?  They even withhold what is free, such as emotional support, encouragement, etc.  They hold on to their sympathy and support like a rations book.  It is probably because most people are made to feel powerless in most day-to-day situations, so when they have an opportunity to exercise power, they hold on by withholding. I don’t know.

I need to not let any of this bother me, but I am just scared to death.

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17 Comments Add yours

  1. *sighs* this is the hardest part, and probably the rock bottom before things will look out.

    After my ex-fiance cheated on me and threw me and my daughter out to move his whore in, we had nowhere to go since I’m not close with my family. On nights I had my daughter, we stayed in a hotel. The nights she was at her dad’s, I slept in my car. Everything I earned working, went to a hotel room when I had her, and so I couldn’t even save up money for my own place. Sadly, I had to become co-dependent and fall-back on a new boyfriend to help me financially after a few months went by of struggling. He ended up being a worse cheater than the last, but at least I had four years to get my shit together behind the scenes, so when we ended things, I wasn’t the one left with nothing.

    Are you able to work or are you disabled? I know you were military. Do you get a monthly check from being in the military? I wish I knew of a way to help you, as these divorce matters take a long time to be resolved. It isn’t fair that you get no immediate compensation for your husband being a piece of cheating garbage.

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    1. williexplode says:

      No, I do not get a check from the military. You have to do 20 years to get that. Also, I am veteran but believe it or not, I so happened to be active during all the periods that don’t count for anything, like before 9-11 and after Bosnia, etc. People think all veterans have preference for Veteran jobs and such but it’s only the war veterans. They should say that when they say “Veterans.” I’m not disable and I have been looking for temp work. There are a few things that matter first. Like, the biggest thing is money to move. I must move from here to another state. Because where I’m at the economy is bad and what I’ve been studying the prospects aren’t good. I’ve been volunteering to network but everyone seems to be scared. Everyone seems to worry that someone else will take their job. That’s why I am looking to move to an area that has more opportunities. The first problem is of course, the divorce. If I move out of state now, I will have to pay to keep coming back here, and believe me this jerk will keep making up some reason. We have a trial date. That’s good. Because I want it to be over so I can leave and not have to come back. I want wage garnishment too, so I won’t have to come back. Right now, I need money to move. I need to hear that it will be okay.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Now I understand more about the potential North Carolina move. It’s a great place to live – not sure which state you would be coming from. Depending on where you live, the housing is fairly cheap. There’s a lot of jobs in Research Triangle Park and the surrounding Raleigh Area. First thing is first, though – your husband needs to pay alimony and child support. Spousal abandonment is a big thing in court, and judges do not like that shit at all.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. williexplode says:

      Yes, the housing there will be more affordable. I will have to spend about a year to qualify for work history (for a VA home loan), and in that year pay off debts. I wish I could talk freely about where I am, but I’ve had one blog used against me before (it was in my real name). I am North of you, quite a bit. The economy (and taxes) here is really bad. I want to go to that exact Triangle in NC for work. And maybe live in or around Clayton.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I live in Fuquay, which is about twenty minutes from Clayton. It’s nice out there, and growing pretty quickly. It’s hot as satan’s asshole out here in the summer, but the beach is only an hour and a half away, so that’s a plus 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. williexplode says:

        I’ve never even been there. LOL! I read everything about it online. I found a list of 50 cities in NC rated by something, I can’t remember now. I had everyone pick a number 1-50. And I picked a number. I added all 5 numbers up and then divided it by 5. The number I got landed me on Fuquay.

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      3. williexplode says:

        But of course, it will come down to where I can get a job.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. SpaghettiSam says:

    I’m sorry. I don’t have any words of wisdom. My mother was my saving grace. I’d be homeless otherwise because even with working 2 jobs I don’t think I could afford rent and utilities.

    Do you have any friends that you could stay with for a short while? Is there anything you can sell? I sold as much of my furniture as I could to finance my move and to help me out with bills.

    I don’t know if you need money to pay all the bills but if you just want to get a job so you can make a little bit of money, but a lot of retail places are hiring now because of Back to School. That’s where I started. It’s sad but that’s what ends up happening to those of us who are out of the workforce and choose to stay at home. Damn cheaters!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. williexplode says:

      It’s a mess. I’ve been applying for some temp positions. The economy is bad in the area. The problem is the timing. As soon as the divorce is done, I want to leave. I didn’t want to have to move the kids after school started, I was hoping we were gone before school started. The concern is the moving expenses. That asshole I’m married to will try to use whatever income I make to lower alimony payments. We are talking 3-4 months tops. I thought I would be out of here at the end of this month. It’s going to come down to a judge telling him what I was asking for anywhere. Which will end up costing us both a lot of money. Thanks for responding. Sometimes it’s good to know that someone hears.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Your husband is so horrible. He knows fully well that you will cover up for him, even though he is not covering up for you.

    You are correct. People withhold things, even when they are free. But I also feel that people sometimes do not know the importance of what they can offer to another human being.

    I am sorry. It appears you are needing a job, when the economy is nose-diving. It’s horrible.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. williexplode says:

      I would like to move as soon as possible to an area that is doing well right now. I want to get in that area before housing become unreasonable. That is how it seems to happen. Thank you for responding. It means so much.

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      1. Good Luck to you!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. williexplode says:

        Thank you. I need luck.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. 2bshameless says:

    do you have an attorney or are you fighting him on your own?

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    1. williexplode says:

      I have an attorney. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to be in the house right now with him paying the electric. He refuses to give any cash though. We are going back to court soon for the cash. And we have a trial date in 60 days.

      Like

    2. williexplode says:

      Having an attorney has given me more than I would have, but it’s not the great savior that everyone thinks it is. I am astounded at some of the things people think I can just get because I have an attorney. I hope it pays off in the end. Recently, we found out that he filed income taxes using the children without my permission. This was after the topic had been on the table between the two lawyers. He is simply not thinking of the trouble he is causing us, and he is not thinking about the massive debt he will be in this time next year. It’s really unbelievable. Essentially, he has lost his damn mind.

      And judges are becoming more and more prejudice toward women who stay home to raise their children. So are attorneys.

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      1. 2bshameless says:

        oh I agree attorneys aren’t the be all end all but it is invaluable to have a source of knowledge about the laws and how they system actually works as compared to what it is supposed to work like lol the basically do what they want really and your only recourse is to appeal – well here in my state anyway

        it’s so awful how some people treat their children and spouses – I am horrified by most of the stories I read and can’t fathom how they can be so cold and callous to their own children and someone they once professed to love

        Liked by 1 person

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