Who the fuck do you think you are? Do you think you are the only one experiencing pain and suffering? Do you think only your story is worth being told and listened to?
Not too long ago, I dipped back into Chump Lady months after I threw a bitch-fit and decided not to ever go back there, —because to me, although I find what she writes to be beneficial, I was hoping also to find some camaraderie in the comments.
No such luck.
I was met with people too busy drowning me out with their tales of woe. Which I understand, because after all, am I not in fact telling my tale of woe?
I finally left Chump Lady for a very long period after someone in the comments had the audacity to tell me how to be angry. Which was of course to tell me that I was too angry and that I would regret wishing that my ex-husband died in a fire, because she actually knew someone who knew someone who died in a fire. This means what to me exactly? A guilt trip? Your somebody who knows somebody has fuck-all to do with my anger and my wish that my ex-husband die in a fire. Do you think he gave one iota of a fuck what was going to happen to me and the four children in my care? No I would not lose a second of sleep over his death. NOT ONE FUCKING SECOND. Well, if his death didn’t cover my alimony as it supposedly supposed to do, then I would probably lose some sleep.
Why try and guilt a woman who has been cheated on and financially abandoned by a man she was married to for over 20 years? What is the point in that?
Yet, recently, Chump Lady mentions how we should/could think about being the person we wished we would’ve had in our darkest hours.
It’s been months and I’m still fucking pissed. Why would you go to a site where people are obviously at because they have been wronged and tell someone how they are doing anger wrong?
And, I know this anger is because of that anger and that anger is because of that other anger.
I understand this.
Understanding it doesn’t make me any less angry. It just makes me understand it.
Then I tell myself that I must reach out. And when I do, say leave a comment, another person just lets the comment sit there as if I didn’t say a fucking word. I’m ignored. Like our family was ignored when my ex-husband was soaking up the pleasure in cheating.
Hypocrites and self-centeredness. That’s all I see. I see it and I want it and yet I am disgusted by the very thought of its existence, much less the thought of needing it.
My own neediness repulses me.
I’ve been noticing more and more as I’m out in the public working, that no one asks shit about me. Not one damn question. Maybe it’s because I’m old. Maybe it’s because I’m fat. Maybe it’s because I look uninteresting. Or maybe it’s simply because everyone is just worried about themselves. At work, people will talk over me and talk all about their children and spouses and what they did over the weekend. I ask them questions, initially expecting them to return the conversation by asking me questions, and nothing. NOTHING! If I am not willing to talk the loudest and talk over others and volunteer information about myself, no one inquires.
Talk about the fucking pick me dance. Do we now have to dance that dance in several aspects of society.
Why kind of world are we living in that you can walk away from a 30 minute lunch break having done nothing but talked about yourself the entire time? Not a one-off either. Day after day after day.
That’s how the cheaters and the whores are becoming the acceptable norm, the preferred narrative.
There is no more polite etiquette. There is no more volleying conversation. There is no more (if there ever was) thinking outside of yourself and returning the compliment of being interested in others.
Everyone would like to think if only they had known they would’ve acted, while at the same time refusing to open their eyes and ears ensuring that they will never know.
It’s all, “Let me tell you how exciting I am. First up, how I’m fucking a married man! Who’s awesome? Who was able to push that bitch out of the picture and get her $10,000 landscaped backyard and goldfish pond? ME! ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!”
What is your recourse?
“Well, you know the truth. That’s all that matters! Knowing that you were wronged and he was the villain should be enough to pay the bills and raise children”