With Love To My Wife

Back in May when I first started purging the house to get ready to move when the divorce is final, I stacked up all the birthday, Valentine’s Day, anniversary, etc. cards from the cheater that I had accumulated over the years. Most of them start with, “’To the love of my life’, ‘Dear Wife’, and so forth.” I took the cards along with the unflown kite and a few pieces of paperwork that proved that he lied about doing some major things that he claimed he had done (like buying the insurance for the house that will pay off the loan in the event of his death) and placed them on the fireplace mantel. My goal was to leave them there after I emptied the house. That was my second thought. My first thought was to throw them all over the empty house. It will be his house to do whatever he wants with it when we are gone. The mortgage is upside down. He insisted on putting it in his name only (not that it would’ve matter if I had wanted the house) and ten months after he closed on the first loan,  he refinanced without my knowledge.

I will never forget his face the night I confronted him with evidence of his cheating and told him that his mother was going to want to move into the house with him after I took the children and left. He expressed utter shock and fear that conveyed that he hadn’t thought of the consequences of his actions further than rudimentary inconveniences. His mother had been jockeying for him to support her for years. She wanted to live with us when we were on the other side of the country. When my oldest daughter died and we took in her children, the witch-M-I-L could not think of anything other than how her dream of living with us after she retired was gone. There was no empathy shown.   Only, “Now, I guess I won’t be living with you all.” She, like her son, has an insatiable appetite to shop, and to participate in other hedonistic-debauchery (for lack of a better exaggerated and accelerated hyperbolic phrase). Neither of them wants the bother of paying to live somewhere. She wants her retirement check to go to shopping for tasteless clothes and pleather goods, and he wants his employment pay for alcohol, cigarettes, and restaurants.  Lucky for him, his whore has a shack that she has managed to hold on to through three previous divorces.

Obviously, wanting to own a home and become part of a community was always my desire alone. (But, I’m digressing and that’s fodder for another post).

Of course, it is the cheated-on’s job to clear the house. Basically, I have been re-traumatized. Remember how he didn’t have any part of clearing my daughter’s house either. I should take what I want and leave the rest, but honestly, I don’t want his sordid hands or eyes to be privy to any of mine or my children’s things ever again in his life. That is why I think today, when I was looking at the stack of cards on the mantelpiece; I decided to throw them all away instead. Maybe back in May, I was imagining how when he saw the cards in an empty house he would remember how there was a time that he was doing the same for me that he is doing for his whore now. Perhaps the predictability and redundancy of the mechanics of it all would shake him into a reality. Although, why should I care if he realizes what he has lost when I’m not willing to take him back even if he did have some type of epiphany.

He is damaged goods to me. I’m disgusted at the thought of his conduct. One can expect and even make allowances for a young man of 19 or 20, especially if his home training had been inadequate, but a man of 50+ acting as he has is unforgivable. He’s had plenty of time to develop emotional intelligence like most everyone else. And I don’t have the privilege to know if it is just the cheating that I find so revolting, because in our case, it’s cheating and financial (and actual) abandonment. If he had stuck around after I confronted him maybe I would be able to separate the two, but I cannot. For me, to accept such behavior is morally repugnant, and I’m not talking in a religious sense, but in the sense of how the wrongness of it resonates to the marrow of my bones.

What have I ever done to anyone to debase myself by providing him a means to remember me? Or a conversation starter for his whore and/or mother. He does not deserve to know or think anything about me and the children.

Did you leave anything for your cheater to think on or about?


7 Comments Add yours

  1. foreverchanged2014 says:

    I spoke with my husband alot during his affair about what he was doing to our children. How they would be affected by what he was doing. How their relationships with men would be forever changed because of him. Even before I knew who the OW was I knew what she would potentially do in the long run and gave him something to think about. I told him that he was willing to destroy 15 years (at the time) for someone he truly didn’t know. That she would do to him what he was doing to me. That she was probably way younger than us and just wanted the financial stability he could give her, but as their relationship progresed that she would still be young and he would be pushing 50 and she probably looked more like his kid than a partner. I told him his daughters would never accept her and in turn wouldn’t have anything to do with him. His family would never accept her either because how the relationship came to be. I told him his entire life would be turned upside down by someone he really didn’t know and asked if he really wanted that. A couple weeks later he told her it was over.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. williexplode says:

      Have you considered getting a post-nuptial that is often mention on some sites like Chump Lady?


  2. foreverchanged2014 says:

    No. What would that entail? Like boundaries?


    1. williexplode says:

      I’m not sure, that’s why I asked. I was wondering what I would want if I accepted my husband after he cheated. I was always so singular I didn’t stop to consider ever trying to make it work. I don’t regret it either, but I can see how some people would want to make their marriage work, especially people with somewhat decent husbands. I would think it would make cheating more risky if you got a strict post-nup drawn up from a lawyer. For example, instead of relying on 50/50 division, there could be something added that if there was any cheating the split would go up 70/30. I think it is relatively a new area, so anyone who ventures into it may be a pioneer. I would see it as someone who is serious about not cheating again. I don’t know. I know by experience the older you get, you have to know where your money will come from.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. foreverchanged2014 says:

    I may look further into that. Thanks. Cheating was always a deal breaker for me, but when you have 15 years invested it’s hard. Especially when he’s trying.


    1. williexplode says:

      Yes I can understand. And it would be interesting to see how he reacts to the post-nup. I’m sure it will make him nervous, but if someone loves you, sometimes you need it shown in writing. I’m living proof. At 54, and no one answering my resumes, I have a husband who doesn’t want to pay a dime. I was sleeping at the wheel.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. foreverchanged2014 says:

    I’m sorry. ((hugs))


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